In which the poor beast is compared to Tom Cruise.

While we were waiting for our crabs (2.99/lb, one day only), an energetic customer at the live fish tank was shouting his order to the non-English-speaking clerk, ‘Tilapia! One tilapia! TI-LAP-I-A! Come on, man. It’s got to be close to the same in all languages!’

If it appears on the menu at some seafood joint, or if it looks enticing at the fish counter in Asian markets, choose something else. It’s not white tuna, but has similarities to real oilfish. Here’s a new word for your vocabulary: keriorrhea. Read the Wikipedia entry (the definition of your new word is there), every bit of it, including the parts about the FDA, Japan and Canada, and how they deal with the legalities of it.

After that, if you want a more, uh, colorful description of the consequences of eating escolar, go here.

You’ll be glad you listened to your Aunt Spacebar.

After enduring the ad, you will meet the artist, who creates her own world of hybrid animal creations.

At over eight feet in length, this formidable creature could make quick work of its prey with its 18-inch claws and saw blades on its legs. Nothing about the tail, though.

When I was very young, maybe four or five, my dad took me to the huge fish market where he bought his shrimp. It was a cavernous warehouse full of men wearing bloody aprons and wielding very large knives. The floor was slippery with viscera. I did what any self-respecting little girl would do, I threw up on the spot.

When I go to the fish market now, I’m usually looking for a good specimen to photograph, and if I manage to refrigerate it in time, to eat. There was a very clear-eyed, fresh fish from Australia on the ice yesterday, and as I leaned in to look at it more closely, the remaining dregs of pistachio in my system nudged my gastrointestinal tract in a very unpleasant manner.

I backed away. Today I took pictures of pieces of paper.

Photographing herring is not the challenge that photographing Bombay duck turned out to be. Having herring and durian in the fridge at the same time means periodic wafting of odors that might get unpleasant as the temps rise. So far, the higher notes of herring are dominant.

Durian can only be described as hovering in the bass range. If ever there was a food that could walk out of a refrigerator on its own momentum, durian would certainly be it.

I didn’t mean to. But what with one thing and another, forgot. This morning around 6:30, I put it back in the fridge. Around ten or so, I took pictures.

Will it be eaten? Not sure. Would you?

They seem to go for the chest, or maybe that’s the largest part presented to them at the time of the encounter.

For certain coral reef fish, gender is not a predetermined thing, as it is for most of us.

Well, mostly animals anyway. You might be thinking, how much of this is due to clever software. And most importantly, at what stage does a plant transcend its classification and becomes an animal.

For the sake of argument, let’s suppose the head of Napa cabbage is for real. If someone has actually harvested something of that size, then as far as I’m concerned, it’s a beast.

The truck was moving 25 penguins, an octopus and several fancy fish to a tourist attraction in Galveston. As trucks sometimes do, it overturned, spilling out the penguins and the others, who were protected by plastic bags. Some of the bags, unfortunately, spilled their contents as well, and some fish didn’t make it.

The octopus survived. Most of the penguins huddled in a ditch, and will get to compare notes on exactly what happened. A few died.

The citizens of Lyme Regis in the UK have hurled dead eels at one another for some 30 odd years. It’s a much-anticipated event (conger cuddling, it’s called) of ‘Lifeboat Week’ with funds raised going to the Royal National Lifeboat Institution. Two teams of nine each stand on flowerpots while a large eel on a rope is utilized to knock as many off as possible, with the last man still standing declared the winner.

However, and there’s always a ‘however’, the animal rights people heard about it. Or should I say, the dead animal rights people.

This year, a buoy was substituted. Needless to say, the traditional spectacle lost some of its charm.

After being hooked near Bermuda, the 800-lb, 14-ft marlin came out of the water, stabbed the fisherman in the chest and tossed him in the sea.

According to his doctor, the fisherman is lucky to be alive.

Do whale hunters still use harpoons? Yes, but technology has empowered modern-day harpoons with explosive grenades. Advantage: hunter.

For those of you who come here only to read about record-breaking fish, here are pictures of the 14.5 ft pregnant shark.

Most of the time, an octopus’ arms move freely, turning every which way. But at chow time, these same arms can form joints that help move the food to the octopus’ mouth.

Scientists discovered that muscle contractions will form a shoulder, an elbow, and a wrist.

It lunges out of the water to catch insects. Scientists are amazed at its ability to angle its head toward food, and say the discovery sheds light on how fish made the transition from water to land.

In the future, sharks may be remotely controlled via implants, and used for spying purposes.

No one can explain why so many are dying along the Sea of Cortez. No indications of disease or toxic spills have been found. Even though the area is heavily fished, there are no signs of injuries that might be caused by boats or fishermen.

Slow work day, slow news day. Making biscuits with Plugra was not very exciting either, although I might have a different opinion after they’re baked.

I decided to spend some time at Wikipedia, where I came across the Lusca, a colossal octopus that may or may not exist. Which led to globsters and bloops.

With the recent deep sea discoveries, who knows what might be found. Maybe one morning we’ll wake to find that some group of researchers has wrestled a Kraken aboard a boat (a large boat, possibly a ship), and managed to keep it alive long enough to determine that it was indeed a sea monster.

A new species of fish and about 20 new seaweeds were found off this Dutch island. Scientists are calling it a huge system of diversity.

While the lines are long, the wait is well worth it, and the prices are certainly more than reasonable.

Instead of a handheld device to let you know when your table awaits, the cafe uses an auditory signal.

What’s on the menu? Sablefish is usually the catch of the day. Politeness dictates that you only take a few.

And just who packs the place on a regular basis? The smartest sperm whales, that’s who.

A squid with very long arms.

A man avenges the death of his sons with help from Kauhuhu.

The 10K Cole Classic was stopped, and competitors pulled out when a shark measuring almost 10 feet was seen on the surface. It appeared to be stalking the swimmers.

Outsmarting the octopus means the fisherman must be able to read the arrangement of pebbles blocking the entrance to the octopus dwelling hole. Among other things.

It can sound like a monkey, a cow, an elephant, a lion, or a sperm whale. Sometimes, it can even sound like us.

They attacked whenever anyone approached the sink. The price is down from the New Year high of $9.99/lb, now going for $2.79.

A British Columbia researcher was amazed to see the 100-lb octopus on video going after his $200,000 machine. He put the mini-sub in reverse, which sent a volley of sea bottom particles at the octopus, discouraging it from further aggression.

Now that beluga and sevruga caviar from the Caspian Sea are banned, hope lies in the roe from spoonfish and rainbow trout in Appalachia.

A 2 oz tin of spoonfish caviar, said to taste like sevruga, goes for $35.

When it first rises from a sperm whale’s stomach, it’s soft, and smells awful. As it floats on the ocean, the sun and salt water transform the mass into a smooth, perfumed lump known as ambergris, or ‘floating gold’ that goes for $20 per gram.

From the relatively small pilot whale to the giant blue whale, with a few other sea creatures thrown in.

The whale shark is the world’s biggest shark and the biggest fish. Australian researchers report that the size of these sharks has declined from 7 m to 5 m. Overfishing might be one of the reasons for this drop.

Because whale sharks don’t reproduce until they reach 6 or 7 m, there is cause for worry.

This is one of the prime times for whale watching, when the gray whales migrate from Baja to Alaska. Point Reyes is just one place where they can be seen from shore.

A scuba diver managed to fight off a great white shark, using his speargun. After he shot it with the gun, the shark retreated, but came back. The diver escaped with only puncture wounds on one arm.

Do you know the correct way to kill a lobster or crab?

Is tossing a crustacean into a pot of boiling water akin to torture?

With clam chowder and garlic bread.

Imagine a crab 6 ft wide and up to 22 lb. Norwegians are unhappy that these giants have entered their waters, eating everything in sight. Yet, there are those who see an upside to this.

Could you pass the bibs, please.

Demand is up, and the fishermen contend that they must make a living. Meanwhile, the sharks are disappearing.

The stonefish is regarded by many as the most dangerous stinging fish. It is a master of camouflage, and embeds itself in sand or mud. Severity of pain depends on how many spines were involved.

Hot water provides relief, and the victim should seek medical attention as soon as possible, especially if a spine has broken off into the skin.

It’s a small fish that hides in sand at low tide with its venomous spines facing up. The pain is excrutiating, and is relieved by putting the afflicted area in water as hot as the victim can tolerate.

A South African aquarium found it necessary to keep a captive tiger shark alive. And just when they found a food that it would eat voluntarily, disaster struck.

When a dead whale sinks to the bottom of the sea, its fat-rich carcass can provide food to an army of organisms for up to 100 years. Because it is so difficult to find the whale bodies, scientists tow dead beached whales, weighed down with scrap metal, to sites for continued study.

A mostly transparent snail that lives in the open sea. It has a proboscis that resembles a trunk, hence the name. Pictures with extraordinary detail can be seen here.

It would have been too dangerous for human rescuers, say conservation experts. Unlike the group stranded in the same area a couple of weeks ago, these long-finned pilot whales were more spread out and farther from shore. Rescuers would have been in chest-high water, which presented a much higher risk.

The animals were destroyed to keep them from suffering a lingering death.

A few days ago, I had the kids call around to find out the prices, saying I didn’t want to pay more than $2.99/lb.

At one store, it was $7.99. At the other, $9.99.

Like many in the Bay Area, we like crab on New Year’s Eve. But these prices are lobster prices.

As a last resort, I went to a small Asian store that in previous years would put up a banner around the holidays proclaiming a ridiculously low price. There was a small group by the crab tank. One man emerged with two large bags. When I asked how much, he said $7.99. He thought it was gouging for the holidays, but at least it was ‘cheaper than elsewhere’.

For the price he paid, I would expect to be served in a nice restaurant with white tablecloths, candlelight, and an attentive waitstaff. They would bring the clean, cracked crab on warm platters. It would be preceded by an amuse-bouche that had foie gras as a base. The strolling violinist would be Joshua Bell.

Well, you get my drift.

In a case with other items. I wish I could have isolated it for a better shot.

Volunteers are working to save 113 whales stranded on the beach at Puponga. Ten of the whales have already died.