The concept was a good one: get new toilets and have them installed by Thanksgiving when more family members arrive. Long-suffering people who know how to use a plunger, and who can also get out of the way fast when unexpected overflows develop.

Both toilets are old and temperamental. One, the flooder, has been intermittently flushing itself for some time now. The other began doing the same, except in the middle of the night, not stopping till I go and fiddle inside the tank.

There we were at Lowe’s, having picked out the right color, price range and height. We thought we could pay and then take them home. Such naivete. Because toilets are heavy, and the accompanying family member threw out his back not long ago, we asked about delivery.

Clerk: Sure, we can do that, the fee is $85.
Us (silence)
Clerk: Uh, but if you plan to buy an appliance, we could waive that fee for you.
Us: What?
Clerk: There’s a rebate on the fee if you buy something big - then we would deliver the big item basically for free, and we could put the toilets on the same truck.
Us: By big, you mean . . .
Clerk: A refrigerator? Or a washer?

We headed over to Home Depot. The delivery fee there is $90.

For $90, I could actually buy another toilet, albeit a rather inferior one.

To be continued.