For those who remember the old Mac game, a good use of Silas would be as the whip henchman. In place of the original guy, there Silas would stand, flogger in hand. After Prince Duncan got his punishment (cue the sound effects - was it tuh - AAAH?), then Silas would grimace, focus and by golly, he would flog himself. Grab some elixir, and get the hell out of there.

For the curious: no, I’m not weird like that. I am just ticked that The Da Vinci Code was such a relentlessly bad film.

Relax, there’s not one. Yet.

I had the misfortune to try to eat dinner during The Da Vinci Code. Each time Paul raised the flogging device, I put down my plate of braised pork and veggies (as did other family members).

If you braise pork belly just right, which I manage to do from time to time, it takes on a melting texture that is quite fine. I resented that I had to put down my plate so many times.

Days later, I am still resentful. So, if there were a Silas action figure, I could push a button, there would be a meaningful pause as he prepares himself mentally for the pain, then would come the flog. The beads of blood would appear.

My plan to lose ten pounds would take on a new dimension.